The Day Good Literature Died
by MarilynSuzanne
Summary: vParodyV I suck at summaries. FURS STORI NO FLAM PRPZ.
1. My Poor Dictionary

A/N: plz crit!!

Chapter One; My Poor Dictionary

Loveli. A noo skool. I fin dat a kool boi is looking mi. Oh, ya, I'm a amprie. I can't be wiv a hoomin. But he didn see lyke a hoomin. And they the Swooney Toad song played. Dat 1 wher he seyz dat londin sux. I sed to da boi, "Wat ur nam? Mi nam iz Kazumi Light!" (a/n; That means beautiful light. Oh yes. It is a play on Bella's name!)

He sed, "Mi nam iz Edword. I m smexi vampire, I'll giv u an organism."

I sed, "I m also a snexi vampire, I'll gift u organism."

The englih teechur sed, "No, u r speaking rong!"

And I'm lyke, "I speek jus fyne!"

And som Bella gurl walkd ovur 2 Edword. And I'm lyke, "Hez mi man nao! No betches kan tuch him!" And hez lyke, "I'm hur man, and u sux. Cuz u r not smexi vampire, and won't gift me organism."

"But u kan gift me smexi organism!"

"Ur seying it rong," I sed.

"Well u kan!"

"Wat, mi?! U lyk MI?! OMFG u homo!" I flipped mi pritty blondie hair n blinkd mi blu eyez. "I m pritty, so it kant b he,pd.. Wat ur nam?"

"Mi nam is Bela. Isabela Suan." Bela bowwed. (a/n; Yes, I spelled it wrong. But really, you had to expect that. I'm doing a variation of Twila.)

And then a raring was herd. "I AM STAN!!!" He wuz big n fat n ugly. "THE POWR OV SHINI COMPELS U!" I scremed. Den mi n Edword were innercursing, cuz he red mi mind n new I wanted 2. Aftur innercursing, we found that seyeng bad wyrdz in r hedz wuz boring. Wi culd sey dem out loud n it be funner.


	2. What's Canon?

And so the adventure that kills your eyes continues.

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Bela loked mi. Shi loked intrsted. "U r vampire, rite?"

"Yeh, I m vampire. I gift organisms and compel Stan just wiv sparklz. Cuz I m vampire."

"Kan u change mi?" I slipped her in da fas. "Dun u hit on mi EVUR!"

I sparkld. It wuz sun. "PLZ!!!" Bela scramed. I sed, "No, cuz u shuld get bit by dat Jake boy."

"Wat Jake boy?"

"Da Jake boi dat I don' lyke."

"He mus b a NURD."

"He's no nurd, cuz I alre-d got a man. So u kan hav him stead." I tol hur who Jakobe wuz.

She sed, "EW! I don' wan dog!"

I sed, "He haz moar personaliti dan u. Date him." ((A/N; That is probably the only canon thing in this fic. The fact that Jacob Black has more personality in one bone than Bella in her entire body. ...she's very shallow.))

"NO!" Den I uzed mi mind-control powur 2 make hur wan 2 date Jakobe. Den Edword came. Edword Coolon, mi boi toi. I hav 2 b da dominant cuz i m gurl. N gurlz r not week. N vampires hav to gift organisms, n 2 do dat, dey mus b strong.

Hi tied 2 b bettur dan mi. I sipped him in da fas.

He tied 2 b bettur dan me agin. I spped him in da fas.

He tied 2 stop mi from doin sometine. I sped him in da fas.

He tied 2 isolat mi. I s- I gifted him lawsuit. Edword Coolon culd no go 2 da skool n had 2 get diffrnt skool.


	3. And then he was a zombie

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Spaceballs.

In this episode, we reveal Kazumi's full name, find out about her sisters, and Epiphany from Sweeney Todd plays!

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Da Swooney Toad song cane on. Dat 1 wer he seyz dey all desurv 2 di.

Jakobe sed, "U speeld mi nam rong! Dat wuz da wurst tie poe evur!" cuz he lokd dis dairy.

I sed, "I no dat, but I did it fur da lulz!" Den da dor opnd. It wuz.........Edword! I scramed, "U R STRAIND!" I called da copz. Da copz took him awey to Jill. Rose Lee wuz anry. I innercursed cuz she mad me anry. I wuldn't sey da bad wurds loud cuz den kid's culdn't reed dis latur. Den Birry Blad, Jakobe's brofer entrd n sed, "VAMPIRE! KEEEEEEEEL!!!!!!!"

"Is dat ur brofer, Jakobe?" I skd.

He plied, "No, dat's mi fater's brofer's mofer's cuzins' 2nd cuzin's hairdressur's psychiatrist's gurlfrend's ex's cuzin's roommate."

"Den wat duz dat mak u 2?"

"Nofin."

"O den kan I kill him?"

"No! You will be KILL BY DEMONS!"

"O.o. WTH?" I sed. ((A/n: Yes, she said, "Oh dot oh. Double-u tee ach?" I had a giggle fit.))

"MERCHANDISING!" Birry Bag sed. He held up a bokk cald "Twilight: The Fanfic" and a shop full of "Twilight: The Fanfic" T-shurt's, "Twilight: The Fanfic" serial wif a puzzle on da bak wif "Kan u help Jakobe meet Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathogical Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light?" even do it di'dn fit on da box.

And den Birry Berd wuz a zombie.


	4. I'M NOT A ZOMBIE!

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Spaceballs. This one is more MI than Twila.

In this episode, we find out about the sisters of Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathological Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light! And the fact that that had to be copy-pasted!

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I woke up. How I got here was........train! Oh, no, I'm still on the train! I'm wearing my most sparkly dress with flowers and sequins. I have a birght pink hairclip in my blond hair. My eyes are red today! I'm um... pale. There's no sun out, so I don't sparkle. A whole bunch of people wanted me today. I was like, "Harrassment!" so they were like, "LOVE YOU!" I learned how to..................write! Today! I have two sisters:

Midnite Vermilion Emerald Onyx Turquoise Ruby Garnet Topaz Amber Gold Silver Mica Obsidian Sapphire Feldspar Diamond Quartz Marble Light

and

Rachel Light

They were on the................train! I said, "Hello, Onyx. Rachel."

And Midnite said, "Hello, Psycho." And Rachel said, "ARIGATO NEKOMIMIBAKA-CHAN!" I had no idea what that meant. Oh, yeah, I had cat ears because I was also part cat. I got better.

"Meyer's thesaurus! How long have I been here?!"

"Long enough," Midnite said, "Just long enough to get to the imagination of the Twilight Series' Creator." ((a/n: I said series. Do you have a problem with it?))

"HAI! I wonder nani is there ~desu!" Rachel said in Japanglish.

"You've been there before, Rachel," Midnite said. The vermilion color of Midnite's emerald eyes sparkled as she did because the sun was up, and we were above ground going up. ((a/n: "The red/orange color of Midnight's bright green eyes")) We all sparkled because we're made out of expando-diamonds! Or "expandiamonds" for short.

We got off the train. There were non-violent violent parasites. Diamonds expanded and contracted in white space. We walked on clouds to see what Edward was doing in a mirror.

"I am SUCH a bad boy, stay AWAY for your SAFETY!" he said. ((a/n: Exaggerated a bit, yes.))

I was like, "Ugh. Hate him!"

Then, in a different mirror, what Bella was doing.

"Ugh, Mike's such a puppy dog! Mike, be with Jess! I don't WANT you!" she said.

Jacob was telling people, "GAH! Billy Black is my DAD! Not my something-something's roommate! I don't know what made me say that!"

Alice was... talking about boys.

Rosalie was glaring at Bella's picture in Ed's room. Or, shall I say, the millions of pictures of her. And she glared at each one for ten seconds. ((a/n: Exaggerated a bit, yes.))

And Billy Black was saying, "I'M NOT A ZOMBIE!"

All in all, it was a weird trip. We went back home.


	5. We get it, you're not a zombie! Arc end

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Mel Brooks films.

Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathological Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light and her two sisters, Midnite Vermilion Emerald Onyx Turquoise Ruby Garnet Topaz Amber Gold Silver Mica Obsidian Sapphire Feldspar Diamond Quartz Marble Light, and Rachel Light! They're triplets and all go to the same school!

In this episode, Billy makes it **absolutely clear** that he is not a zombie.

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It was.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................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((a/n: If this were a novel, my reader would cry.))

The weather was emo. OOH! Lots of men wearing tights! "They're girlie men," I said.

They sang, "WE'RE MANLY MEN! MEN IN TIIIIGHTS!" Midnite, being a relationship sue, went over to talk to the Cullen boy. You know, Mr. bad-boy-sparklebutt.

"I don't think you can talk about him being a sparklebutt," reader said, "You're a MEYER vampire. You have to go by HER standards." Yeah, yeah. Midnite was an all-out telepath, so she basically just sent and received thoughts with the guy.

Soon, the two were pretty much frolicking. "Meyer's Thesaurus! How did you do that so fast?!"

"I'm an all-out telepath. I now know everything about him just because he keeps his mind open to intruders," Midnite thought to me.

"I AM NOT A ZOMBIE FOR THE LAST TIME, CHARLIE!"

"Well, okay, Billy... I'm just concerned..."

I gawked at them. And, parody sue that I am, I bit Charlie. And Billy was mad. "Oh, Twilight Series."

Reader asked, "Don't you mean, 'oh, crap'?"

"Isn't that what I just said? I'm a parody sue that hates Twilight, even though before, I was a parody sue that LOVED Twilight, just made it COMPLETELY un-canon. It's still un-canon, but just less so."

Reader nodded. Now back to the fic.

"Oh, Twilight Series."

Billy said, "I... AM NOT... A **ZOMBIE**!!!!!!!!!"

"No, but you ARE insane!" I ran for it towards school!

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Next episode: Kazumi, Midnight, and Rachel will be in school!


	6. Continuity? LOL!

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Mel Brooks films.

Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathological Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light and her two sisters, Midnite Vermilion Emerald Onyx Turquoise Ruby Garnet Topaz Amber Gold Silver Mica Obsidian Sapphire Feldspar Diamond Quartz Marble Light, and Rachel Light! They're triplets and all go to the same school!

In this episode, I'm not going to tell you what happens!

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Sorry, but I learned to write. I LOVE Spoons- I mean, Forks-, Washington. Feldspar ate a deer. I said, "Feldspar, we're supposed to be wasting school food." And then we innercursed. But, like before, innercursing is kind of boring and we could just say the bad words out loud.

"Hey," some guy name Mike said, "I'm Mike."

"Okay. You're Mike then."

Mike said, "I heard you can gift an organism."

Feldspar said, "AFTERSHADOWING!"

"Yeah, I can gift you organism. Why?"

"Because you're smexi vampire. But I want you to PROVE it!" Mike said.

Cedric Digg- Edward came over and said, "I know I'm restrained, but you can't restrain THIS bad boy!"

"Yeah, whatever, I'm gifting organisms and compelling Stan here."

"I AM STAN!!" Stan said. Sigh. This was going to be another day of lunch and after-school with no mention of the actual classes.

Feldspar and Ed went over near Bella and made her confused.

I put mold in a gift box and gave it to Mike. "I am gifting you organism. Happy Birthday."

"It's not my-" I mind-controlled him and he said, "Thanks. It IS my birthday! How'd you know?"

And Billy Black... was put in the asylum.

And then Feldspar went with Ed in his shiny Volvo. It had to be shiny, otherwise it would not befit Sparklebutt. ||Reader: You're one to talk about being sparkly, Expandiamond Girl.

Yeah, yeah. "THE POWER OF THE SHINY COMPELS YOU!"

Stan said, "I'm melting! **_MELTING_**!!!"

And then after school with no trace of biology, I saw my recently-bitten victim, Bella's dad. Wait WHAT?! Continuity?! LOL! No, Bella's dad was perfectly fine!

When I got home, I watched the Phantom of the Opera and Feldspar brought dinner. Mm, yummy people.

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	7. Vampire Hippies

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Mel Brooks films.

Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathological Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light and her two sisters, Midnite Vermilion Emerald Onyx Turquoise Ruby Garnet Topaz Amber Gold Silver Mica Obsidian Sapphire Feldspar Diamond Quartz Marble Light, and Rachel Light! They're triplets and all go to the same school!

In this episode, I'm not going to tell you what happens!

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Spoons, Washington is the BEST PLACE EVER!

It was lunch because I skipped school. Edward started taking pictures of Midnite. LOTS of them.

Of course Isabella was being emo today. I really don't care. Stan didn't come... I fear for the continuity.

Maybe my Expandiamonds hurt Stan...? What if he got a stronger enemy? "Meyer's thesaurus, what do I do?"

And then Meyer's thesaurus came. "I as you real ostentatious..."

"....what?!"

"I AS YOU OSTENTATIOUS!"

"Meyer's thesaurus, I don't understand!"

And then I woke up all bloodied. No wonder. "Stephenie Meyer's thesaurus spoke to me... It had...half of it's pages ripped out, and some broken... That poor thesaurus."

Ruby nodded. "Kazumi, just sleep. You've lost a lot of blood and can now be killed."

"But... I have to gift organisms."

"I can do that. Kazumi... just stay here with me..."

"Ruby...?"

Ruby was crying. "I'll go get you some people to eat..."

"But... we're Meyer vampires..."

"Yes, but we're not the Cullens. We eat people. Not animals like those hippies. We still sparkle with Expandiamonds, though." Ruby left.

The nurse opened the window and I sparkled via expandiamonds. "Close the window. I hate being a sparklebutt."

"I'M A BAD PERSON!!!!!"

"Oh, great, EDWARD'S here."

"You can't stop ME! I'll KILL you this time!"

"What the huh?! You did this?! But you're a hippie!"

"I'm a bad person."

"We're not people!"

"Oh really?!"

"Yeah, Jacob said so. And werewolves are always right."

"What?!"

"Yeah, werewolves are always right. I like werewolves. Even though I eat people, I like werewolves."

"You're stupid, you know that, right?"

"At least I'm not an a-hole like you!" And then he tried to kill me. Midnite made sure to stop his hand. "Don't TOUCH my sister."

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	8. The N00BZ0R, La Push Sucks, NIHON!

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Mel Brooks films.

Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathological Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light and her two sisters, Midnite Vermilion Emerald Onyx Turquoise Ruby Garnet Topaz Amber Gold Silver Mica Obsidian Sapphire Feldspar Diamond Quartz Marble Light, and Rachel Light! They're triplets and all go to the same school! Yes, Kazumi bit her sisters!

I decided that every few parts, there gets to be a new OC until it's completely OOC.

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Forks SUCKS. Or at least the vamps that reside here. You know, those hippies?

Anyway, because I wasn't there, we'll be putting this in

RACHEL POV

SOOOO ~desu. Arigato ~desu!!!! || Reader: That means "Thank You"

Nani ka?! What baka thing could this mean ka!? AnyWAAAY ~desu!!!!!

Alice says, "I sense a disturbance in the force... In the future..."

"Racheru-chan thinks we have to keep straightjacket-chan away from Star Wars ~desu. And Spaceballs ~desu."

Edward says, "I know, I heard you think it."

"Racheru-chan will have to ask Midonaito-chan to change Racheru-chan's thought frequency ~desu."

"...what?!"

"Yes, Edowarudo-kun, Midonaito-chan can do that ~desu. Say, Edowarudo-kun is FM and Midonaito-chan is AM ~desu. Edowarudo-kun can only listen to the FM channel ~desu. But Midonaito-chan can change people's channels to AM and back if they are willing ~desu. Midonaito is an all-out telepath, correct ka? And Kazumi-chan is-"

"WHAT?! Well, then, the werewolves will kill her for me."

"I didn't finish my sentence ~desu." I frowned.

--In La Push, Kazumi POV--

I was hiding. Sam said to that Jake boy, "Jacob, there is a disturbance in the force."

Jake boy said, "Sam, what the hell?! Are you Alice Cullen in disguise?!"

Sam stared. "No... I smell a vampire."

Billy ran screaming, "VAMPIRRRRRRRREEEEEEE!!!!!!! KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!!!!!!!!" _Crap._

I stayed hidden, though, because I felt stupid.

Jake boy sniffed and said, "I have a cold." What a liar.

Then I became un-hidden. "I feel like a nice, juicy burger."

And then they all stared at me. "Vampires don't eat burgers," they all said in unison.

"I don't mean a literal burger. I mean food, yes, but not burgers. Those taste like crap. Let me put it in a less nice-sounding way, kay? I mean I'm going to kill ponies. I don't prefer them; they taste worse than the _burger_. I love best the bobcat and human... But at the moment, I can't afford to go meat-lovers now, can I?"

Billy just glared, finally regaining what little he had of his sanity after I called him a zombie.

"I'm hiding from the vegetarian's why I'm here."

"Why are you hiding from the Cullens? If you don't give us an answer, we may just allow them here," said the Jake boy.

"Edward's trying to kill me."

"Why, Kazumi?" he asked once again.

"I'd get into detail with the whole 'sue' thing, but that news hasn't been brought to La Push yet. So, it's because I called him a hippie."

He stared at me in disbelief. "Well, better start amending that treaty then..."

"WAIT! Here." I handed him a slip of paper with all the information about it.

"So... this is an anti-fic?"

"I'd have thought you would have picked it up in Forks. There were fliers on every tree and lamppost."

He stared. "Time to visit the optometrist."

"Well, I'll change one eventually!"

He stared.

"I was joking..." || Reader: Warning, werewolves do not like jokes involving humans being eaten.

You could have said that earlier! || Reader: I didn't think it would come up!

"I mean, um..." Oh, now there's nothing to say! READER! || Reader: Think up something yourself, I'm on the edge of my seat in the suspense.

"Meyer's thesaurus, I've got nothing to say."

"Well, I have plenty, girlie," Billy said.

"Meyer's thesaurus, you've regained sanity!"

"No I haven't, I'm thinking of clever ways to rape and murder you."

"DAD! We don't rape vampires! We just kill them!" the Jake boy said.

"Y-yeah... There wi-will be no rape tonight AT ALL!" I mind-controlled everyone in the state not to force themselves on someone.

"Right, Jacob. Just to slaying the monster. This will be the best father-son moment of all."

--In Forks, NEW OC POV--

N DEN I WUZ N FOKZ!!!! BUT I H8Z RAINZ!!! GIMMME GOLDZ!!! ||Reader: Wrong site. This is , not Gaia Online.

SHDDUP UR A MEENIE!!! ||Reader: Wow. At least Kazumi can take con crit.

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	9. Breaking Dawn, the OC

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Mel Brooks films.

Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathological Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light and her two sisters, Midnite Vermilion Emerald Onyx Turquoise Ruby Garnet Topaz Amber Gold Silver Mica Obsidian Sapphire Feldspar Diamond Quartz Marble Light, and Rachel Light! They're triplets and all go to the same school! Yes, Kazumi bit her sisters!

I decided that every few parts, there gets to be a new OC until it's completely OOC. Last Newest OC: Mary Sue

OC Introduced: Dawn

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--In Forks, NEW OC POV--

N DEN I WUZ N FOKZ!!!! BUT I H8Z RAINZ!!! GIMMME GOLDZ!!! ||Reader: Wrong site. This is not Gaia Online.

SHDDUP UR A MEENIE!!! ||Reader: Wow. At least Kazumi can take con crit.

MI NAM IZ MARILYN SUZANNE!!!!! ||Reader: *breaks out laughing* Mary Sue! LOL!

SHDDUP UR A MEENIE!!! ||Reader: Have I said I want Kazumi back now?

I M A WARWOF!! I CM FRM L PSH!! ||Reader: Why are you in Forks? Your pack is in La Push!

CUZ I KAN! IMMA PUT IT ON DA CULLON"S FACES!!

N MI LOKZ IZ I HAZ DOG EERZ ALL DA TYM!!!! I HAZ SHINEE BLAK HAR!!! N MY EYEZ IZ PERPL!!!! ||Reader: Dog ears all the time?! Don't you stand out?!

ALL DA PPLZ MI SKOOL R UNNURSTANNING. N I FITE 4 STAN ALL DA TYM.

I WEN 2 SKOOL. IT WUZ ENLIS. ||Reader: Wow, the only one that pays attention to the classes is 31337.

YPS! I PAID TENSION 2 MI SKOOL UNLYK DAT _ZUMI_ GURL. DEN ALLLISAIE SED, "I SAW U N A VISIN!"

I SED, "U DID?! U R VAMPYR!!"

ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLISE SED, "I M SMEXI VAMPYR, BUT I'Z SPESUL SO I GIFT VISINS 'STED OF ORGANISMS."

I SED, "KOL." ||Reader: You're a WEREWOLF. You HATE her.

I M N HUR LAND. I HAZ 2 COEXKISSED. ||Reader: I'm leaving.

Rachel's POV

"Nani ka?! Maruii Tsu-san isu here ka?! Maruii Tsu-san isu ouru otoheru nee-chan ~desu!"

"Yes, Mary Sue is here like I said she'd be," Arisu-san saido. ||Reader: Wow. It's gotten WORSE.

In La Push

"Now, I will try not to disturb any of the peace here..."

"You're right! You'll leave!" Jake boy said all mad-like.

"Okay, okay, I'll show you something. I'm attracted to LOTS of muscle. So..." I poured out some Yummy People (tm) and sorted them by color. "Say... The yellows are weak and the greens are strong people. Notice how very little there are of greens? I'd hate to deplete them all. I don't like the yellows so I don't eat them. So I'm not eating." My eyes went coal-black. "Forget it. The Yummy People candies were a bad example." Mm. Yummy people. "Meyer's Thesaurus, then where to hide...?"

The wolves glared. "You'll leave. Now."

"I can't."

"Then there's no choice. Dad, we'll have to amend the treaty. I know you don't want to."

D: ||Reader: Better than Mary Sue and Rachel, at least...

"BUT I LIKE WOOFS!"

"To eat?"

"Ew. I eat humans. Meyer's thesaurus... I like wolves as friends. Duh."

"Ew. Vampire germs."

"Well, fine! If you don't want my _cooties_, you_ five-year-old_, I will not leave but I will hide in a way that you NEVER EVER smell me!"

"GOOD! You're STINKY!"

"You belong in kindergarten!"

Billy stared. "Jake, you've obviously got a crush and now I hate you."

"WHAT?!" We both said.

"She's icky!!!" Jake boy said.

"See how he's all over me? He's _obviously_ got a crush," I said sarcastically, "It's not at _all_ because he needs to go back to _first grade_."

Billy still stared. "Jake. Are you really reverting to your childhood?"

"WHAT?! You're taking HER part?! She's a smelly, human-eating, overly-perfect _vampire_. We hate those, remember?!" Jake boy said. ||Reader: Let it be known that the author does not encourage Jake-bashing. She's just making him act like a five-year-old.

"I can't help being made out of Expandiamonds. And humans _like_ the way I smell." I defended myself.

And then "Animal I Have Become" played. That meant a new vampire had been born.

Jake and Billy glared at me. "Don't blame ME! I haven't bitten anyone in weeks!"

"KILL ALL HUMANS," the newborn said.

Whoa. "No, silly. Not kill ALL humans. You want food for later, don't you?"

"...yes."

"Good girl. Now, go get food."

"Dawn happy." Her eyes were still black as ever and she went and killed people. I did not inquire further.

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	10. Reader on Strike!

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Mel Brooks films.

Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathological Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light and her two sisters, Midnite Vermilion Emerald Onyx Turquoise Ruby Garnet Topaz Amber Gold Silver Mica Obsidian Sapphire Feldspar Diamond Quartz Marble Light, and Rachel Light! Are all in England ATM!  
Then;  
Mary Sue, the 31337 warwoof.  
Dawn, the newborn full of ebilness.

I decided that every few parts, there gets to be a new OC until it's completely OOC. Last Newest OC: Dawn

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MAILN SUEZIE IZ MI NAM! BEEN N00BIE IZ MAH GAM! || Reader: This goes on for quite some time.  
BE QUITE! || Reader: -TRANSLATED- Be quiet!  
SHUDDUP I CAN TOPY!! || Reader: You know, she doesn't do anything in this part. We'll have to find Dawn.

In La Push - Jacob

Dawn? You search for her? Really? You, reader, are a fool. || Reader: One day he's five, and now he's a b-a. Did a bell ring?

Shut up, or I'll make you eat this script. Meyer's thesaurus, am I the only literate one left after Kazumi went away? || Reader: Probably. I don't know how literate Dawn is yet.

Oh, not very... I've seen her diary. Look: owiefdiweufeiw

In La Push - Dawn

Reader: I've found Dawn.

I think i"m broken. i CAN't wrrriet like i culd! || Reader: Okay, we're going to wait until AFTER Breaking Dawn.

mIDnite ebil?! || Reader: Sure...

With Jake..

Why are you here? || R: Mary Sue isn't interesting enough.

I'm just pining for Isabella. || R: Really? She doesn't want you! She wants the boy that wants to kill Kazumi!

SO?! I CAN PINE FOR WHO I WANT UNTIL I RESORT TO PEDOPHILIA! || R: I'm leaving now. Tell Kazumi I've gone on strike when she comes back.

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	11. I have heart for you!

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Mel Brooks films.

Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathological Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light and her two sisters, Midnite Vermilion Emerald Onyx Turquoise Ruby Garnet Topaz Amber Gold Silver Mica Obsidian Sapphire Feldspar Diamond Quartz Marble Light, and Rachel Light! Are all in England ATM!  
Then;  
Mary Sue, the 31337 warwoof.  
Dawn, the newborn full of ebilness.

I decided that every few parts, there gets to be a new OC until it's completely OOC. Last Newest OC: Dawn

New OC: Euil, the half-human, half-elf vampiress!

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In La Push - Jacob

Pine, pine, pine...

In La Push - Kazumi

Okay, I'm back! Reader? "Jacob! WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I-um- Reader went on strike!"

"Oh... Emerald is not going to like this."

Forks - Midnite

"I sense a diturbance in the force." OMG ALICE SENSES A DISTURBANCE~! "The one you love is gone, Midnite." NOOOO!!! Wait... what? I don't LOVE ANYONE!

"I don't have a love."

"What is Reader to you?" D: READER IS GONE?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I HAVE HEART FOR HIM! /3 || Reader: *slinks in* You have heart for me?  
READER! 3 You're back! || Reader: These serious things should only last one page anyway.  
What are you TALKING ABOUT?! EVERYTHING IS SERIOUS!!! || Reader: You have heart for me! 3 I can has organism?

:D I gifted Reader am organism! YAY!

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	12. Stereotypical War

Based off of My Immortal & Twila, The Gurl Who Wuz In Luv Wif A Vampyre. And some Mel Brooks films.

Kazumi Glitter Insane Mania Dementia Pathological Bloodthirsty Homicidal Maniac Psycho Love Suicidal Killuall Hiv-virus Light and her two sisters, Midnite Vermilion Emerald Onyx Turquoise Ruby Garnet Topaz Amber Gold Silver Mica Obsidian Sapphire Feldspar Diamond Quartz Marble Light, and Rachel Light!  
Then;  
Mary Sue, the 31337 warwoof.  
Dawn, the newborn full of ebilness.

I decided that every few parts, there gets to be a new OC until it's completely OOC. Last Newest OC: Dawn

New OC: Euil, the half-human, half-elf vampiress, and her minion Enoby. (It's not Ebony from My Immortal. It's completely different. Enoby can be outclassed in magic. XD)

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In Isequah

"ENOBY!" She comes, dressed like a cheerleader.  
"Y m I wurring dis?" She said in a high pitch voice.  
I smile. "Why? Because you need a lesson in obedience. I have used my AWESOMESUPERSPECIALSPARKLY magic of the Preppy Vampires to make you show all characteristics of preppiness until you are done with this mission."  
I am Euil Preppy, the leader of the Preppy clan. I have a goth minion. I don't care about gothic things as long as they obey me. As they have no will to do so, I have to use my sparkle-magic to make them preps so they will obey. ||Reader: What if they don't know you're a villain yet?  
Oh, and I want to kill Kazumi, Midnite, and Rachel Light. They used to be Preppies but they left.

"watz fa misgzun?"  
"Oh, I need you to join the Lights, posing as a Preppy. If you need to know their stereotypes, Kazumi is a prep/goth mix- I made an error with her, you see-, Midnite is emo, and Rachel is a japanophile."  
"datz y dey lef."  
Enoby left for Forks.

With Midnite

You faced me with a great deal fear  
When I learned you left me here  
Alone with all the stupid fools  
That would treat me as a tool  
For their ridicule  
But was I glad when you came back  
After stabbing my heart with a tack  
Hearts were in my eyes  
Your leaving was a disguise  
I could love no other guys.  
I love you, know it's true  
That I will never leave you.

Reader: Next time, something's actually going to happen! HOORAY FOR FILLER! ||  
FILLER?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Reader: Here. Have some jelly belly. ||  
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY COLORS?! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?! ||Reader: Would you like your diary so you can write down that beautiful poem?  
Yes, please.

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	13. For Serious

Today, we're talking about something more serious. It is impossible to make a serious fanfic of Twilight that hasn't been done, believe it or not. Same with

1-800-Where-R-You  
A Great and Terrible Beauty  
A-List  
Alex Rider  
Alexandre Dumas  
Alice in Wonderland

All American Girl  
Alpha Force  
Animorphs  
Anne of Green Gables series  
Artemis Fowl  
Avalon Web of Magic  
Baby Sitters Club  
Bartimaeus Trilogy  
Black Jewels Trilogy  
Black Magician Trilogy  
Blood And Chocolate  
Boy Who Couldn't Die  
Bridge to Terabithia  
Cat Royal Adventure  
Charles Dickens  
Charlie Bone  
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory  
Chronicles of Narnia  
City of Ember  
Clare B. Dunkle  
Clique  
Clive Barker  
Coalition  
Companions Quartet  
Confessions of Georgia Nicolson  
Coraline  
Da Vinci Code  
Dark Tower series  
Dark is Rising Sequence  
Dark-Hunter  
Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak  
Daughters of the Moon  
David Eddings  
Deltora Quest  
Diana Wynne Jones  
Discworld  
Dollanganger Saga  
Dragonlance  
Dragonriders of Pern series  
Dresden Files  
Dune  
Edge Chronicles  
Ella Enchanted  
Fairy Tales  
Forgotten Realms  
Gallagher Girls  
Good Omens  
Goosebumps  
Guardians of Ga'Hoole  
Guardians of Time  
Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew  
Harry Potter  
His Dark Materials  
Histories of Herodotus  
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy  
Inheritance Cycle  
Maximum Ride  
Phantom of the Opera

Did you think I'm not going to write anything? HA!

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After the intro, Reader was disgruntled. Especially since the first person changed to third person overnight. "Meyer's Thesaurus, can't you write properly, author?!" I apologized and said I was following the greatest guide in the world. Midnite hugged him and gave him a million kisses. _Hey, wanna know why you joined our team?  
Why?  
Because author thought that people might get an overdose of funny if there were no real people.  
..._ He innercursed. Midnite innercursed. Everybody innercursed.  
_-bleep- geometry_

_what a -bleep- emo!_

_shut the -bleep- up already!_

_don't tell -bleep- me to shut the -bleep- up, you're a worthless -bleep-_ Reader stared at me after censoring the innercursing. I said the FCC did it.

Kazumi used her shiny power to compel Stan into doing her homework. Billy glared at all the vampires. Reader ran up to him. "ARE YOU GLARING AT MY GIRLFRIEND?!"  
"Midnite Light's an evil vampire."  
Midnite cried. "I'M NOT EVIL!!! I'M JUST-snif-MISUNDERSTOOD!!" She ran away.

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N I wen 2 da cost. i saw sum sirenz. I had sene dem b4 n dey were haf fiss haf humn. N EDWORD CRASHED THROUGH MI WINNOW N I FIRD REEDUR! TOPAZ SED 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!11!!!!!!" N BOBBI GLARRED MI! D:

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Begin Author's Note XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I woke up, wondering what in the WORLD I had written. If only I could start over. If only I could re-do everything. I had to. But first, I needed to finish the conflict. The CONFLICT! HOCRAP I FORGOT!!! Enoby Preppy was going to Forks and blending in with the Lights! Let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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_Kazumi POV_

I made a wish upon a falling star for someone who would allow me to gift an organism. Nobody ever wanted an organism anymore. I sighed. || Reader: Why so serious?  
Reader, do you have a name or is my sister have heart for a nameless man who probably isn't a man? || Reader: I am a man, thank you very much. And my name is Quincy!  
Quincy, can I gift you an organism? I feel kind of Emo. You know, Preppy-Goth. || Quincy: Midnite is EMO. You're depressed. And sorry, but no. Midnite's the one for me. Try Mike or Evan. You know what, try Jacob before Isabella Swan has her baby and he imprints.

Jacob's a werewolf though. I'm a vampire, and I... I don't think he'll accept it. || Quincy: *slaps* You _ARE NOT A VAMPIRE_! YOU SPARKLE IN THE SUN AND ARE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY! YOU ARE A SNOWFLAKE!  
Ow. I guess you're right. But... I eat humans. I'm a human-eater-Snowflake. Jacob doesn't like that. || Quincy: Ah, then eat animals, silly girl.  
But... my favorite animal is the human being. For serious. || Quincy: Well, then, what's your second favorite?  
Although we really can just will ourselves to not feed. I wonder what happens if I go long without it. Well. I will go see if Jacob will accept my organism! || Quincy: Thatta girl!

So I went to see the werewolves. They all transformed and said I'm not allowed here. I told them tellingly, "I'm not a Cullen."  
"Is Jacob here?"

A wolf in a wheelchair (I assumed Billy) came up to me. "No, he's out. I'll bring the message." He didn't seem very open to my looking for his son. I gave him a box. "I... wanted to gift him this... this organism." I left in tears. || Quincy: Well, you tried an that's all that matters. *patpats*  
But... he... won't accept it in front of me! That's not how the Snowflake Mating Rituals go! || Quincy: Well, maybe if he does accept it, he can get over Bella-  
Who? || Quincy: Umm... his former love interest.  
Oh. || Quincy: Anywho, he can get over Bella and marry you instead! And a woman will finally be in charge in this story!  
But that shouldn't happen because this is a Twi-fic. || Quincy: Yes, but it's an Anti-Twi Anti-Fic. Author won't be able to resist wymin-in-charge and she'll HAVE to make Jacob like you!  
Well, I guess that makes sense.

I walked home. Ruby's eyes were ruby red. "Who was for dinner?"  
"Oh, some old lady who was dying anyway. But now you'd never know if she was ever an old lady because she's so pretty and youthful now."  
"How do you know she was dying?"  
"I found her at the hospice."  
"Oh."  
Rachel's eyes were black as they had been for quite some time now. "Rachel... Why haven't you eaten?"  
"I- I heard you were in love with a werewolf." She wasn't acting like herself. She was pronouncing her words the American-English way.  
"Leah came around. She said Jacob got your organism. And she... invited you over to her home..."

Enoby Preppy was there. Why was Enoby Preppy in my home? || Quincy: I'm not allowed to say. The deal was if you get to have Jacob, I can't give away any spoilers about the Preppys.

Enoby was being completely silent. She acted like she wasn't paying attention.  
Ruby shushed Rachel. "We're not going to interfere with her association with the werewoofs. They're not our enemies."  
"Midnite... I'm concerned. We don't even know what Leah acts like."  
I told them, "It doesn't matter. Author will think up something at the last minute."

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End file.
